My next band name: "Free Liquor" -- once on the marquee, people will come in droves. Probably won't be popular in Utah though--at least not publicly.

When I win the lottery, I'm going to buy Fox News and turn it into a homeless shelter / Planned Parenthood facility.

Opposing counsel just told me they couldn't give a crap. I recommended drinking coffee or, perhaps, a laxative of some sort.

Caesar's Palace commercial: "Don't gamble if you've had too much to drink." That's like an axe murderer saying: "Don't run fast when I'm chasing you with my axe." It's impossible to separate the two...

Going on a juice diet. Now just have to figure out how to juice New York strips, nachos, dover sole, pizzas...

Someone who died last year supposedly "endorsed" me today on LinkedIn...I think endorsements from the after-life should count at least triple.

Breaking News: Following the NRA's lead, the National Pornography Association (NPA) advocates having porn stars guard schools in order to curb teen pregnancy.

One of my daily struggles=what inane phrase to write in the subject line of an email. I might start writing "I like pineapple" every time.

Getting one's phone stolen is actually kind of liberating. I'm basically living in 1996. Gasoline is $1.09 and Kim Kardashian doesn't exist in the public psyche. I could get used to this.

I'm shocked that neither Brooks Brothers nor Vineyard Vines has come out with a WASP-y dance/hip-hop tune called "Gingham Style"...

“It’s far easier to wage war against an agenda than it is to battle a friend.” – An evangelical re: debating gay marriage and how it is now very difficult to argue against because virtually everyone knows someone who is gay now.

The quote would apply to basically all conservative thought – they wage war on broad ideas that benefit them individually --  and forget the people who are left behind because they don’t know them.