Say what you want about the qualifications of the current or past Presidents but please remind me why someone who ran a very mediocre and (ironically) racially-stereotyped pizza chain is suited to be President.

Two questions: (1) Why would anyone choose to make their clothes smell hideous by using mothballs rather than just discarding a piece of clothing in the unlikely event a moth terrorizes it; (2) Where in the hell would one purchase a mothball anyway? 

The accordion and the ukulele are highly underrated. So is sauerkraut.

My next band name: "Free Liquor" -- once on the marquee, people will come in droves. Probably won't be popular in Utah though--at least not publicly.

An early morning Peter Popoff televangelist infomercial told me that, if I buy some "Miracle Spring Water," I could come into instant riches since "after all, God owns the banks." Under that logic, God also owns distilleries, the illicit drug trade, casinos, brothels and more...I think I'm going to give this water idea a whirl...anyone want to go in on a case with me?

Anyone named Olaf should be immediately imprisoned and waterboarded.

Very curious -- if you split the word "foreign" into two parts, it is "for-eign."  "For" obviously means "to obtain" or "towards."  More importantly, "eign" is an Icelandic word for "property."

What does this clearly mean?  The vikings are about to again invade our shores, undermine our American values and steal all of our Velveeta.  Where is Pat Buchanan when we need him?  Fortress America!

To the spammer who keeps sending me emails in Chinese hanzi characters...give yourself a sporting chance, man.  I live near Chinatown in DC but only "La Tasca", "California Tortilla", "Hotel Monaco" and "CVS" are spelled in hanzi here.  Please keep that in mind as a frame of reference.

I have yet to meet a person named Kevin whom I have actually liked.  I've never met a person named Caligula--but I have a feeling I'd like a person with that name.

A friend roasted a whole pig today...and actually fed some of it to his daughter, Charlotte.  The jokes are too easy.

Holy crap!  The sun is also a star.  Multi-tasking.

With the airing of the "scintillating" new TV series "Pan Am", I'm excited for the copy-cat series "Greyhound." The potential plotlines are endless--bus drives from Toledo to Terre Haute but...on the way back...the bus's air filter gets clogged!

I think there are few things more charming and endearing than seeing an 80s-something couple sharing a cigarette outside a restaurant. I saw this happen today.

One of my favorite deposition questions ever by very young opposing counsel: "Mr. Smith I'm going to ask you a series of questions about communications you've had with my client so...um...what communications have you had with my client?"

I just realized that everyone who has ever been to NYC has been "caught between the moon and New York City." I know it's crazy...but it's true.

Solution: Lower the debt floor which will make the debt ceiling seem relatively higher without requiring a vote. Construction 101. I mean, come on.

I wonder if anyone genuinely likes Donald Trump besides Satan, J.R. Ewing from "Dallas" and Donald Trump.

I find it fascinating that Gary Coleman died of an intercranial hemorrhage...a Diff'rent Stroke, if you will.