My next band name: "Free Liquor" -- once on the marquee, people will come in droves. Probably won't be popular in Utah though--at least not publicly.
When I win the lottery, I'm going to buy Fox News and turn it into a homeless shelter / Planned Parenthood facility.
Opposing counsel just told me they couldn't give a crap. I recommended drinking coffee or, perhaps, a laxative of some sort.
Caesar's Palace commercial: "Don't gamble if you've had too much to drink." That's like an axe murderer saying: "Don't run fast when I'm chasing you with my axe." It's impossible to separate the two...
Going on a juice diet. Now just have to figure out how to juice New York strips, nachos, dover sole, pizzas...
Someone who died last year supposedly "endorsed" me today on LinkedIn...I think endorsements from the after-life should count at least triple.
Breaking News: Following the NRA's lead, the National Pornography Association (NPA) advocates having porn stars guard schools in order to curb teen pregnancy.
